Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
What drink are we having for lunch?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
