The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So many bounce houses so little time
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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