I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
