Plan B is the new Plan A
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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