I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
