He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
