he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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