got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Swine flu is the new snow day.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You ruined the universe
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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