The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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