The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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