It's Friday. Sex?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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