Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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