I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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