my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
