a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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