I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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