I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
