I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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