I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
