I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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