Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
