Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
