Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
