I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
