I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
