i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
