It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
