someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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