I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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