She announced her abortion via fbk
She told me I should be a condom model.
did i walk over a car last night?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
