i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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