I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
