I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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