Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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