i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
