it's too hot outside to masturbate.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
