ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
