Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
