chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
