Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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