just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
