Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
