im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
he high fived his dick after we had sex
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
