Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
