the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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