guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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