No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
