where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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