I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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