I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
