Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
