Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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