oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
