I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
