this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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