two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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