How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
If that was your dad, he is hot
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize