My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
