went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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