Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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