Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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