Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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